all these places feel like home

So, I'm back in Chicago, have been for exactly 24 hours now. It felt weird leaving iowa, it felt weird coming back, and it still feels a bit weird being back.

It was good to be home and see everyone again. I realized how much I miss people, and coming back to Chicago wasn't easy. I think the hardest part of leaving was not knowing when I'll be back. Every other time that I've left, I've known specifically when I'd be visiting again, but not this time. That made this trip seem more final.

I was in a grouchy mood when my flight took off from Omaha at 7:20pm Wednesday night. I spent most of the flight reading and day dreaming about things I don't remember, reading some more, reminiscing in my mind about the weekend, feeling homesick and daydreaming some more.

Then we got in-range of Chicago.

The street lights lined the earth in a grid-like pattern, with the occasional diagonal street slicing through the squares. As we got closer to the ground, I began noticing Christmas lights on the houses in suburbia. This made me smile. I love the patterns and shapes streets, houses, trees, lawns, and railroad tracks make that you can only see from a plane. I feel privileged, like I have a single use ticket to an ever-changing art gallery, the earth the canvas. So I plaster my face to the window (if I'm lucky enough to get a window seat) so as not to miss a second of the show or a square inch of the view. Especially at night. Night shows are the best. And then the plane turned and out on the horizon i could see downtown, the tall structures amongst the glowing grid like monolithic boulders. It was a spectacular sight, and I was again excited to be back in the city.

have you ever woken up in the morning, and before you can fully wake up, everything starts running through your mind? Events from the day or week before, big decisions you've made or big purchases you've made come flooding into your mind and you're not quite awake enough to logically think about such things? I have this frequently. This morning it happened again. I think because of the whole 'leaving home again' situation. I woke up this morning and felt overwhelmingly trapped. It was a strange feeling. I don't have a car here and I don't know when I'll be flying home again. I felt helpless, and suffocated. And now I'm mad at myself for thinking that because I really do love it here. But if that's true and I really DO love it here why would I have those thoughts? Is my subconsciousness trying to tell me something? Is God trying to tell me something? Why do I feel trapped and suffocated here when I have more opportunity than I could imagine??

the airplane was a good place to be. I was up away from everything, but could still see everything. The biggest decision I had to make was choosing a soda and did I want peanuts or pretzels? For that hour and twenty minutes I hung between the two worlds that is my life. Behind me, home and my past. Ahead of me, my future.